Vulture’s 7-Point Plan to Force Justin Timberlake Back Into Music
Vulture’s Seven-Point Plan to Force Justin Timberlake Back Into Music
Earlier today, EW posted a portentous exchange they had with The Social Network star Justin Timberlake regarding the future of his once-fiery, now-dormant music career. The money quote: “I don’t know what else to tell you, except that I just don’t know [in] what capacity I want to be involved anymore.” Seeing we here at Vulture HQ are reasonable people, and therefore enjoy the music of Justin Timberlake, we were motivated into action by that dispiriting bit of news. And, after a few hours of furious brainstorming, we’ve come up with a plan we feel confident will force Mr. Timberlake back to the pop charts. It will require the selfless assistance of thousands of individuals across the country — including television producers, congressmen, and people who regularly shop at Target — but it can be done.
Let’s go, America.
1. Voting members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences: Do not vote for Justin Timberlake for Best Supporting Actor. You may find his portrayal of cocky Napster co-founder Sean Parker in The Social Network both nuanced and entertaining, but if Timberlake lands a nomination — or, God forbid, actually wins an Oscar — talking him back into music may be an impossibility.
2. Parents of small children: Do not go see Yogi Bear. Timberlake voices Boo Boo in the upcoming 3-D adaptation, which Vulture has already noted as a potential embarrassment for Justin. If it’s embarrassing enough, would he want to earn back cred with another great album? If it makes bank at the box office, however, JT can rightfully ignore snobby critics and all recording studios. So, pop-music-loving parents — on the weekend of December 17, when Yogi Bear is released, how about avoiding the multiplex and renting the classic children’s film Chitty Chitty Bang Bang instead?
3. NBC: Cancel Saturday Night Live. Justin’s favorite Saturday-night activity seems to be dropping in on SNL unannounced. If he can’t do that, will he get restless enough to start playing shows again? It’s a long shot, sure, and SNL is of course a comedy institution, but let’s focus on the big picture here.
4. Artists of Tenman Records: Succeed. Timberlake’s label, Tenman Records, a subsidiary of Interscope, is home to current unknowns Matt Morris, Esmée Denters, Freesol, and Brenda Radney. If one of those acts becomes internationally famous and eclipses Timberlake’s musical output, could jealousy act as a motivating factor to lure him out of retirement? Just in case, Matt Morris, Esmée Denters, Freesol, and Brenda Radney should all be trying extra hard from now on.
5. Patrons of Target: Do not buy William Rast clothing. Timberlake’s fashion line William Rast hits Target in December. Could the failure of William Rast push him back into music just to maintain his all important multi-hyphenate status? Certainly worth a try.
6. Jessica Biel: Break up with Justin Timberlake. At least two of Timberlake’s biggest hits — “Cry Me a River” and “What Goes Around…/…Comes Around” — were inspired by his tumultuous relationship with Britney Spears. If his current girlfriend breaks his heart, will Timberlake be inspired to once again express his emotion in song form? Of course it would suck for Jessica Biel, but come on — she’s famous, rich, and extremely good-looking; she can find another dude.
7. Congress: Establish effective anti-piracy laws, thereby making the music industry once again financially lucrative. Take a break from actually important things for like a week and you could probably knock this out, right, Congress?
Okay, what else?